Christmas for me

The emotions are tangible.

I remember a Christmas when it was just enough to wake up and the magic was inherently part of the moment. There was quite literally nothing more exciting all year than the anticipation of Christmas morning.

For me, it was never about the presents. It was never about what I wanted or what I would get. It was always, and I think it still is, about the simplicity of tenderness. It was the one day of the year that I could always count on my family being kind. I longed for it. I needed it.

And I still do. But I'm not so naive as to think that I need to be handled with kiddy gloves any more. However, I still long for the quiet spirit of selfless love on this day more than any other. Articulating this need is therapeutic.

I went to midnight mass at Immaculate Heart of Mary last night with April and my mother in law. I'm always surprised by how comfortable I feel in Catholic churches. I don't know the prayers or the language, but that is all somehow comforting in its unfamiliarity. It feels like I'm discovering a richly devoted people from the outside, and it is strangely exciting.

The priest spoke of angels. Not heavenly hosts. Not the kind that watch over us and save us from ourselves. The kind that are human. He spoke of our desire to be more than ourselves, and how this can never be accomplished without the assistance of God's dream. He has a dream for each soul. He made us uniquely, specially for a purpose....Nothing new right? I've heard it before. But somehow, in the early passing moments of Christmas morning, he spoke to my intellect.

God created me. Standard. He has a plan for me. Well, yeah. He dreams for me...that made me think for a moment. I internalized that and let is soak. I thought of my unborn children. Not yet even created, and I have dreams and hopes for them that surpass my own... so much so that my dreams are quickly becoming linked to my future children. God was man. He understands this feeling at a human level. I can never understand his desire. I cannot become the Lord and dream for me. It must be the most rewarding, unique experience to dream for a soul. It must be so immensely powerful and beautiful to be our Lord. To create, adore and admire a soul. To hope and long for the love of that soul. The realization of the dream of a creator.

I am just so thankful today for that labor of love, so that I could return the adoration at the age of 17 when I gave my life to my creator.

That is Christmas for me.